performance enhanced

two coasts, same lofty ambitions

I’ve seen almost every episode of MTV’s Jersey Shore, which is NOT easy for someone who doesn’t even have a TV. 

 

I’m lying.  Right in your wonderful faces.  It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.  I spent New Years Day holed up with 3 terrifyingly smart women taking in a marathon of the greatest reality show of our time.  We laughed, cried, fist pumped, became insecure about our skin tones, and left the experience a little greasier than we started. 

 

I’ve never been to New Jersey unless you count the Newark Airport.  It’s safe to say I may never go to New Jersey (unless you count the Newark Airport), but I can’t help but be fascinated by the grotesquerie. 

 

I’m convinced that one of them is a secret genius.  (sidenote:  In high school, my senior superlative was “most likely to secretly be a genius” which I found and still find offensive.  So you’re saying that my genius doesn’t SCREAM in your face like some oiled-up Guido who has misplaced his creatine?)  If they’ve been raised in a culture that doesn’t value intelligence or at  least intellectual curiosity, then it’s no surprise that they all sound like dumbasses.  It’s a numbers game.  Not every single one of them can be that stupid.  There is a really smart person among them pretending to be stupid because it increases their social currency. 

 

So I spent the entire marathon session of Jersey Shore (the only marathon I’ll ever run) trying to figure out who’s the rocket scientist.  It’s not Snooki.  I think I can weigh in on that one confidently.  It’s not JWOWW.  I am still doing behavioral research on the rest, field notebook in hand.  Right now I’m leaning towards Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.  Brandon made the excellent point that he was clever enough to come up with the best j-shore nickname.

 

I think if I were to run into The Situation at Karma, or any equally stroke-inducing nightclub, it MIGHT go a little something like this after about 4 shots of SoCo and lime:

 

: “By the way Leslie, you look absolutely radiant tonight and without the use of body glitter!  Absolutely astounding.  But to pick up on the conversation we left off before the simulated sex on the dance floor to the impossibly loud k-hole beats, I think the use of violence against women in the work of Flannery O’Connor is a sarcastic wink that exposes the macabre nature of a misogynistic society.  This allows her to expose the injustices and dangers women face on a daily basis while skirting the dreaded stereotype of the humorless feminist and producing masterful works of enjoyable fiction.”

 

:  “Sitch, may I call you Sitch?, I think that is a very thoughtful critique.  However, we’d be remiss in our analysis if we did not examine the way race and the Catholic Church intersect gender issues in O’Connor’s dark narratives.  And thank you for the compliment.  You may be the oldest member of the cast, but your eyebrows are as groomed and youthful as those of a 16-year-old girl. "

 

And then we’d hit the hot tub.

 

It could happen.  Or I’m wrong about the entire theory and they’re all functionally illiterate members of a self-selecting population. 

 

While I’m still sorting out my methodology, it’s amusing to come up with Jersey Shore nicknames of my own.  My new friend Tara received the moniker Post-Katrina or PK as she can only process events once she knows if they are pre or post Katrina.  I was given the name “West Coast Snooki” or “Snooki West” when mes amies discovered Snooki and I share the same performance enhancing drug of choice: the Bump-It.  I prefer my name to be The Cobra.  Deadly silent until it strikes quickly with venom. 

 

I just noticed too late that Beth has beaten me to the punch in discussing JS.  However, I believe there is enough shore to share.

 

What are your Jersey Shore nicknames?

Comments

[E]

Hahahhaha you are SO clever Cobra!

Sadly Snooki hates the bump-it (http://perezhilton.com/2010-01-05-aye-oh-snooki-was-on-leno)

HOWEVER The Situation was a stripper before the show made him situational ... (http://www.tmz.com/2009/12/25/the-situation-stripper-photos-pictures-jersey-shore/)

My guess is that he was/is paying his way through med-school though. "McHardAbs" or McSitch" perhaps?

Sidenote: I have WAY too much time on my hands at work during the winter and end up reading celebrity gossip that takes away more and more brain cells!! Help!

[Leslie/Squid]

E! I can't believe you have the audacity to burst my bump-it bubble (or is it a bumpple?) I'm not convinced hair can be teased that high naturally. I consider it a personal challenge.

I had fun on my birthday! You're an excellent Nashville hostess. Muster up some vacation days and come see a bitch out in SF!

P.S- I'm partial to McSitch

[E]

HAHA McStitch!!

Sorry to burst your bumpple... It's pure jealously. I actually got a bump-it for Chrimma b/c I enjoy a good poof and go figure my hair refuses to work in it. YOU have mastered it. Am definitely working on those vacay days!!!! Be sure to do a fist pump in my honor soon.

*And remember if you feel like drinking water and ham it's totes fine cause you are half way there to el guidette-o Cobra!

[corine]

I'm Frenchie, of course.